my sleep rhythym has been off all week. Badly off. I sleep in late, I don't get up early like i normally do, and i am not sleeping as soundly as i have. There are probably many reasons for this. I'm not working therefore I am not as tired at the end of the day as I normally would be. It's hot. I a little stressed about the recurring car problems. I'm not in my own bed. My life is somewhat upside down right now. All solid reasons. BUt i'm back in LA with my family, and that should calm some of those things down a bit, right.
ANd it has for the most part. Being around my folks and my kids and my brother and his family and my sister.. sorry, that is somewhat of a awkward sentence. We've done alot of fun things together. And it's been nice..
but as I lay awake again all night long I find my mind racing...thoughts come in and out and something happened recently.. and to be honest it's really bothering me.
Last sunday my kids were out at my folks with me... and after church and lunch my father tried to initiate a discussion with my kids.. it was a genuine effort to try to interact and involve them, but it caught them off guard...they didn't know how to react... and frankly.. it didn't go very well. I'm pretty sure his feelings were hurt because later that day I overheard him talking to his sister and comparing my kids, all teenagers, to my brothers kids, all under 12 ... well, to be honest he wasn't very complimentary to my kids, not that they didn't deserve it.. but.. it really stung.. and i realized something ... that i already knew but i guess tried to hide to myself. My dad can be pretty harsh.
Now i love my dad, alot.. he is a great man and a wonderful husband and father.. i owe most of what i am to him.. but therein i find an issue as well. because as i lay awake every night this week thinking about things, all the little things he's said over the years, and even in the last few weeks that i've been back home, are coming back..
mostly, unfortunetly, the little negatives that have served to undermine my efforts and chip away at my confidence.
A close friend of mine asked me the other day why I just don't go after the things that i want.. . I am suddenly realizing that the answer to that question is "because i was always made to feel i wasn't good enough to get them"
so.. i wrote this and I've sat on it for almost 2 weeks now.. alot has happened since then but i've been alot more aware of those little things.. I recognize them alot more now.. and i think I understand myself a little bit better because of them. the choices I've made, the relationships i allowed myself to fall into..
it's interesting. really, that's all i can say right now
It is interesting. Now what are you going to do about it?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post. Like you, I have also gone through this journey... discovered just how the harsh judgement of a parent can completely, and insiduously work its way into every facet of your life. Its like a taint...so hard to overcome. I don't know if we ever really over come it. But, in relationship to your most recent post -- the kids are alright. Our kids. They are amazing. They get more amazing every day -- truly. They have challenges just like us. But mostly -- more than anything -- I am so proud of their confidence and self-assurance. All three of them are completely themselves. You should see the way their teachers complement them -- for just being REAL people, for being whole, well-adjusted, geniune. Its such a blessing. Anyway, like I said, really enjoyed your post -- probably because I can so totally relate to it. I've always admired your courage in writing. Thanks for sharing.
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