The TIme of our lives

Once again, I take the title of this blog from a song title, one that has relative significance as I am writing it. Tho tonight it is for a different reason than I originally thought, and didn't even realize till just a little while ago. So,first a confession, the original title of tonight's blog was going to be "A year to the day" >> because today is literally one year from the day I last went out with my fiancee, we said our goodbyes and then I closed the door to the car, and she drove off to Utah and out of my life. WOW ... That sounds really melodramatic. I don't mean it to, but at the same time, It's not everyday you say goodbye to a Fiancee, regardless of how deep the relationship may or may not have been. I've spent a good amount of time this week trying to figure out exactly what to say and how to say it so as not to sound overly hurt, overly bitter, overly traumatized, or overly flippant about the whole thing. As usual, I found a catharsis in music

Which gets us to the first meaning of the song time of our lives. The one I picked up on when i first heard it shortly after the breakup. 'Whats the use of trying" the singer asks "you've done your best, it's high time, to hit the road and don't look back anymore". Clearly the end had arrived, but then "if I had the choice, I'd use a different voice" ... yea, it fits how the relationship ended, it was sad, but not surprising, truly there was no use in trying, the voices the two of us used just didn't harmonize well, and we both knew it. but then the chorus spoke to what was right about things "when i look in your eyes, i forget for a while there's a world spinning round, and i just wanna stay in your arms for the day" Again.. perfect. Sums it up to a T. It can't be fixed, but it ain't ALL broken. I don't think i need to add more.

So, a year ago today, she left. Went to Utah and met the man she eventually married. I assume they are Happy, I certainly hope so. She really wanted to be married again, it was basically what she'd been raised to do and often referred to it as "getting my life back". And me ? Well, that's what I learned today, or re-learned...or realized. I knew back then that I really wasn't in a good place to get married again, there was to much chaos in my head and in my heart. As a result, over the last year I've been working to find peace and harmony. But ironically, it was by explaining the discord surrounding the event that I've seen what I took away from it. I've been able to give myself credit for some success and growth. And again, ironically, as I was talking about the last year with someone i knew shortly before i met Amber, the more I talked, the more I spoke about about the great things that happened from that time forward, which wouldn't have happened if the engagement hadn't broken off. I won't recount because most of it is chronicled on this blog (for the 3 or 4 people who read it regularly, if you're not one, for heavens sake catch up, and then subscribe so that i feel better about my pathetic little life.)

In short, what happened was I was I went back 'home' to my family, and was reborn. In so many ways.

verse 2. "I think you need some time, to help yourself unwind, cause the way you live is to free yourself and then give up on all the crying."
ok, again, too much drama.. there was no crying. But today I realized, that line was for me, not someone else. I needed time. To unwind, Free myself. Find myself again. Purge the chaos. Make peace with the past. I was able to do all those things (or at least get started on them). But more importatly, i also found my kids. as I told my friend "... it was a great year last year. lots of cool activities Disneyland, the beach, and awesome photos if you care to look(on my FB). I wouldn't have missed it for the world and so many things in my life are so different now, especially my relationship with my kids. Cole and I are so much closer now and we understand each other so much better. Halie to.. she said to me last month before she went back to her mom's "I make sense now"

SO, it's not really a year to the day, but a year FROM the day." a great year.. this is not a time to mourn or reflect, but a time to celebrate and rejoice. It has been cathartic. I think i can put it all away now and cherish it all for what it was. For my kids and I, it was truly the TIME OF OUR LIVES.